On Bad Moms

It happens too many days a week to count; a mother, having just brushed aside a loose piece of their child's hair, weighted down by discarded backpacks, holding animal leashes or items for dinner or tiny colorful rainboots will smile and confide "I'm a bad mom".

Layer upon layer.

Maybe you have made this confession or maybe your friend has just texted a similar confession. When people tell me this, they are often met by my silence, because I usually want to give them space to air whatever concerns are going to follow this statement.

But not today.

Today I want to formally respond to this confession, this phrase, this patriarchal label that stings me physically and mentally in much the same way "she was asking for it" can.

I'm not going to say that there is no such thing as a "bad mom" but I will say that anything truly bad is an outlier, and that these polarizations and labels are born of white supremacy, capitalism, and patriarchy. I will also say that if you truly were a "bad mom" we would already be having a conversation about it and I would need to get in touch with CPS. What is usually at play is that the mother is weighted with concern and their child and their worlds are weighted with wants and expectations and everything feels like a lot.
The weight that our society places upon women and "mother" is heavy; within this vice grip are expectations and standards that vary depending on culture but may include a job outside of the home, extra work within the home, beauty, purveyor of health and good taste, fairness, jovial temperament - did I miss anything? Certainly.

When someone tells me they are a "bad mom" I listen closely, because what is coming next is usually something that distilled means "I am tired" or "Parenting is hard" (these two phrases are just about inextricable) and I want to give a short-term version of what this person typically needs: grace, respit, an ear to listen to these concerns.

There are some other uncomfortable pieces about the "bad mom" trope. One is that in all of my years of childcare, no father has ever announced to me that they are a "bad dad". Does this mean that the world is full of only excellent fathers and moms that don't measure up? Is that what we are conveying to our children?

Here's the other thing friends; "bad mom" has racist underpinnings.

The women that by and large announce that they are "bad moms" are in my experience white. Mothers that are Black and people of color cannot make this same assertion, because they are more policed and more likely to have systems called in to officiate their parenthood (please remember the way our society officiates Black children, for instance, and outcomes for those that wear hooded sweatshirts or play with toy guns).

My role as teacher and believer in community care means that I am here to listen and continue to create space for you and your needs, but want to suggest some more honest approaches that are less self-deprecating and capitalist AND that I am 100% here for, including:

"Parenting can be a shitshow"

"This is hard"

"I'd like to go somewhere quiet without them for a bit"

"I need a glass of ____"

Fill in your own

With care,

Alissa